


this is how we try

by justadreamfox



Series: finders keepers [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, Kandreil - Freeform, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Sorting shit out, ace!kevin day, because have you met me?, cw/tw: discussions of rape and abuse - not explicit, demi!neil josten, even the sex is fluffy, i am a fluffy cupcake, sex happens, the boys are older and softer and they communicate (mostly)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24798547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justadreamfox/pseuds/justadreamfox
Summary: Our boys have some things to navigate - you know like, sex.In other words, more fluffy Kandreil for ya.Feat. pineapple on pizza, a side serving of emotions, and a dash of angst.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: finders keepers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1793620
Comments: 27
Kudos: 248





	this is how we try

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't, I def recommend you read the first fic in this series before this one - [nine kisses and three hearts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23485930/) \- but I'm not your mom, you do you boo.
> 
> A big thank you to my betafish [grownupyaflover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/grownupYAFlover/) and my grammar-beta [makebelieveanything](https://archiveofourown.org/users/makebelieveanything/)
> 
> Also to the entire fluffy cupcake club for dealing with me and keeping me in my lane - it's a full time job.
> 
> As always, all mistakes are mine and mine alone!
> 
> TW for allusion to and discussion of past rape and abuse.

* * *

Kevin hated photoshoots. 

You wouldn’t know it to watch him though - he sat patiently for hair and makeup, smiled with ease, hit his angles like a professional model. When Andrew was with him, he smirked at what he called Kevin’s “mannequin mode,” and he imagined Neil would see right through the Raven-trained smile he still dragged out for the camera. But his boyfriends weren’t here, there was no one to call him out, and the photographer seemed happy enough - ecstatic even, as Kevin had agreed to take his shirt off for the shoot, something he was famously known for turning down.

Back in his dressing room he dropped the fake smile, rolled his neck, plopped down in a chair to stretch out his long legs. He tapped his phone screen and felt a wash of panic when he saw four missed calls from Neil and no messages. What the fuck? His breath coming fast - _what was wrong, was Andrew hurt? Had Neil been transferred to another team? Had Andrew finally burned the kitchen down with the waffle maker?_ \- it was amazing the disasters he could come up with in the less than three seconds it took him to hit callback and for Neil to pick up the phone. 

“Kev?” 

“Yes what, Neil, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Is Andrew okay?” 

Neil sniffed, and Kevin’s heart stopped for a nano-second and then Neil rushed out, “Yes, it’s fine, we’re both okay, mostly. I’m sorry.” 

“Fuck,” Kevin let out on a slow exhale. “You have to lead with that okay? And you can’t call me four times when you know I am in the middle of a photoshoot and not leave a message, unless you are actually trying to kill me.” Kevin slumped further into the chair, running his hand across his face before the entirety of what Neil said registered. “Wait, what did you mean by _mostly_?” 

“Hmmm,” Neil murmured into the phone. “Well, I might have freaked out a little bit and locked myself in the guest bedroom.” 

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like you.”

“I know,” Neil huffed, “that’s why I called you four times.”

“Where are you now?”

“Sitting in the living room with Andrew.”

“Okay, can you just...tell me what happened?”

“Ah, yeah. We were…” Neil trailed off.

“Having sex?” Kevin guessed.

“Well yes. I mean no. Not really.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, we haven’t actually had sex,” Neil said.

“Since I’ve been gone?” Kevin asked, confused. 

“Um. Since like, ever,” he mumbled.

“What?”

“Yeah.” Neil paused. “Here, Andrew wants the phone.”

There was some shuffling and then Andrew’s calm voice cut in. “Kevin. Everything is fine.”

“Andrew, you told me you both wanted to stay there instead of coming to Chicago with me so you could have some time together. I assumed that meant...” Kevin gestured in the air, and then remembered Andrew couldn’t see him, but Andrew figured it out anyway.

“I do not want to talk about it over the phone.”

“But we _are_ going to talk about it?” 

“We are going to talk about it. When you get home,” Andrew agreed.

“Okay, just - put me on speaker,” Kevin sighed.

“Done,” Andrew said after a moment. 

“I’m going to push them to finish the shoot today so I can change my flight and get home earlier tomorrow. We can do takeout and sort out whatever this is, okay?”

Silence greeted him for a few moments, and then finally an “Okay,” from Andrew, but still nothing from Neil.

“Neil? I want you to stay at our place until I get home tomorrow,” Kevin pushed. “Can you do that?” 

Silence again and then Andrew with, “He can’t see you nodding Josten.” 

“Yes,” Neil finally said. “I’ll be here.” 

Kevin let out the breath that had been bouncing around his lungs. Neil had said he would be there, which meant he wouldn’t run. “Okay. I’ll see you both in less than 24 hours. Watch a fucking movie or something.”

He dragged himself out of the chair after hanging up with his boys and went in search of the photographer to talk him into unpacking his gear again. 

Fuck, he hated photoshoots.

Kevin managed to switch his afternoon flight to a 6am, which meant he dragged himself to the airport after three hours of sleep - not nearly close enough to his usual ten hour a night habit. Andrew and Neil picked him up together in the Maserati, but it was way too early for anything beyond a quick kiss from them both before bundling into the car and heading for the condo. 

When they stumbled into the foyer, Kevin looked between his two boyfriends and gave himself over to a ferocious yawn. “I absolutely am going to need a nap. Right now.” 

They nodded at him, which didn’t surprise him. The fact that they both followed him to the main bedroom did. Kevin shucked his shoes and his clothes down to boxers and a t-shirt and crawled into the bed with a heavy sigh of exhaustion. Andrew and Neil were already cozy in sweatpants and hoodies - no need to get fancy for a Newark airport run. They both kicked off their shoes and crawled into bed with him: Andrew between Kevin and the wall, a hand tucked into his hair; Neil curling up in front of him, pressed back to front, melting into him as Kevin wrapped his arms around his waist. 

It was quiet and safe and warm and they slept. 

Hours later, rested and showered and sated on sushi take-out from their favorite place around the corner, the three of them piled up on the oversized leather sofa; Neil tucked cross-legged next to Kevin, Andrew propped up against the far arm of the couch, and Kevin grasping desperately at his emotions as his boys laid themselves bare in front of him.

As Andrew detailed how he wanted Neil, but his body said one thing while his mind reminded him of intrusion and abuse and shut him down. 

As Neil described how he wanted Andrew, but when things with Andrew progressed too far, the memory of rape at the hands of Riko intruded and stole his breath away (rape that Kevin hadn’t even realized was happening when he had been _right there_ ). 

As Andrew realized that Neil was giving him _yeses_ and _yeses_ and then suddenly a panicked _no_ , and it was triggering everything - _everything_ \- in him, and as a result he would completely close off and wouldn’t be able to give Neil _anything_. 

As Neil explained that he didn’t know where his boundaries were, didn’t know when to ask to slow down or how to ask to stop, because he’d never had the choice before. 

As Andrew admitted that somehow, the fact that Kevin wasn’t there made him anxious, that his brain told him what they were doing was _wrong_ \- hidden and secret and _wrong_. 

As Neil quietly said that they hadn’t gotten past some heavy petting and making out, and that this past weekend he had panicked and disassociated and locked himself in the guest bedroom.

Andrew’s trauma and Neil’s trauma were at war and his boys were the collateral damage. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kevin asked quietly, trying to hide his disappointment in himself for not noticing that this had been happening for the last months. 

Andrew eyed him steadily. “I fucked up. I thought I could handle it and I didn’t want you to have to deal with it.”

Kevin felt his stomach bottom out. He sighed heavily. “Damnit Andrew.”

“I know.”

“You can’t just decide to _handle_ things without including me. I don’t need to be protected. I am in this relationship too.”

“I know.”

“Just because I don’t want to have sex doesn’t mean I can’t talk about it - it doesn’t mean I don’t support you. It is not a reason to cut me out.”

“I said I fucked up,” he said evenly. 

“Hey,” Neil cut in, kicking Andrew softly with his foot. “I fucked up too.”

“You both fucked up, okay?” Kevin threw at them. “And I fucked up for not seeing what was happening.” 

Nobody argued with him, and they sat there quietly for a while, Neil absently running his knuckles along the inside of Kevin’s foot, Andrew on his other side with his toes tucked up under Neil’s thigh. Kevin eyed Neil’s profile, his bottom lip pulled in between his teeth as he stared at the coffee table lost in thought. Kevin glanced up to catch Andrew looking at him, and they locked eyes for a moment, golden hazels steady. Trusting. He had an idea. Fuck.

“What if I was there with you,” Kevin offered up quietly. 

Neil whipped his head around to stare at him, but didn’t respond. 

“No.” Andrew said. 

“That’s not what I mean,” Kevin countered quickly, knowing that Andrew was thinking he was trying to make himself available that way again. He wasn’t. “Listen. This is something you both want, right?” 

Andrew and Neil stared at him.

“That wasn’t rhetorical,” Kevin ground out, reining in his irritation at the looks on their faces. He turned to Neil specifically. “Do you want to have sex with Andrew?” 

Until that moment Kevin didn’t think it was possible to see another person turn quite that shade of red. But for all his blushing, Neil’s voice was clear and decisive when he said “Yes.” 

“Andrew?” Kevin asked. 

Andrew sighed, put upon, but finally said, “Obviously.” 

“Okay, so, the desire is there, we just need to...” he struggled for the right word. “Practice,” he finally settled on. 

“Oh my god,” Andrew groaned. 

Neil started grinning, but Kevin pushed on, kept his gaze trained on Andrew. “Would it help? Me being there?” 

Andrew stared back at him, opened his mouth, and then closed it again. Finally he said, “I don’t know.” 

Kevin smiled softly at Andrew, and Andrew frowned back - which just made Kevin smile more. “Think about it okay? I really wouldn’t mind. I want this for you both.”

Andrew nodded, which was just as good as verbal confirmation that he would consider it. Neil huffed out a little breath and then adjusted his position so he could collapse against Kevin, and Kevin wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in tight. Andrew stretched his legs out and plopped them on Neil’s lap.

“Wait,” Kevin said, propping his chin on the top of Neil’s head. “How did Andrew get you out of the guest bedroom yesterday?”

Andrew raised an eyebrow at him from across the couch as they both waited for Neil to answer, but when it became clear he wasn’t going to, Andrew shrugged. “I picked the lock.”

“You picked the lock,” Kevin repeated.

“I picked the lock and bribed him with pizza,” Andrew admitted. 

“It had pepperoni and pineapple on it,” Neil’s muffled voice explained. 

Both of Kevin’s eyebrows shot up at that. “You bought pineapple pizza?” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said. 

“Must be love,” Kevin smirked. 

“Shut up Kevin,” Andrew growled at him. 

“Fine, okay - ow!” he agreed when Andrew kicked him in the shin. Andrew picked up the remote and flipped through Netflix, and they all three settled deeper into the couch to watch Back to the Future.

***

They didn’t talk about it again for a week, but Neil stayed at the condo because things felt fragile (really he usually stayed at the condo, only going home to his own apartment every third night or so, but this week, he _stayed_ ). Andrew took time to process things, and Neil knew he wasn’t going to address Kevin’s idea until he was good and ready. 

In the meantime, they went to work (twice daily practices with the Wolverines, plus cross training), came home, made food or ordered food, watched some dumb movie, and went to bed. Neil crept out of bed every morning at 6am to get a run in as usual, but what was not usual was that Kevin started dragging himself out of bed to join him. As a striker Kevin ran every day too - he just usually did it in the evenings as even since their time at the Nest, getting Kevin out of bed earlier than absolutely necessary was a Herculean feat. 

Yet every day this week, as Neil was tying his shoes, Kevin would stumble out of the bedroom, blink at him for a moment, and then say, “Wait for me.” 

So every day this week they ran together, but they ran in silence, no sound save their feet pounding the pavement on their Central Park route and the chirps of a few enterprising birds heralding in the sunrise. On day seven of Kevin’s new running schedule (on mile three out of five), Neil just stopped: planted his feet in the middle of the path and waited. It took Kevin a moment before he realized, before he slowed his gait and walked back towards Neil. 

“What?” he huffed, catching his breath.

“Why are you doing this?” Neil asked.

“What?” Kevin hedged. 

“Come off it Kev, you have willingly gotten out of bed at six every day this week. I have known you for twenty years, asshole. Do you have something to say to me or what?” 

Kevin stared at him and Neil crossed his arms over his chest. Finally Kevin blew out a breath, nodded, and turned to walk towards a nearby park bench. Neil followed warily and sat down beside him, and they sat in silence for a while. He tried to stifle his growing unease as Kevin stayed quiet for what seemed like forever - long enough for Neil’s breath to completely even out, long enough for him to start to feel the chill in the early morning air as he cooled down from the run. 

Finally Kevin said, so quietly, “I didn’t know.” 

Neil’s brow creased in confusion. “Didn’t know what?” he asked carefully. 

Kevin turned to look at him, his green eyes intense on Neil. “I didn’t know about Riko,” he said. 

It took a minute for it to register and when it did Neil tore his gaze away from his boyfriend. 

Ah. _That._

“Mmmm,” was all he was able to muster. He had figured Kevin didn’t know - there had been a lot that Kevin hadn’t known back at the Nest. There was a difference between being an investment and being property. Neil had been property then - and he and Jean had fought tooth and nail to become investments. But Kevin...Kevin had always been an investment. 

“If I had known- ,” Kevin started to say, but Neil interrupted him. 

“If you had known, then what? Then _what_ ?” Neil felt himself getting helplessly angry at having to talk about this, and he knew he wasn’t angry at Kevin, but Kevin was the only one there. “What do you think you would have _done_ exactly, in the face of Riko and the fucking Moriyamas? It’s history now, okay? It’s fine.” 

“It’s clearly _not_ fine,” Kevin bit out. Neil jumped up and started pacing back and forth. This was not a conversation for sitting down. Kevin tracked him for a moment before standing up and stepping in front of his path. Neil stopped inches from him. “Was it just Riko?” 

“Does it matter?” Neil muttered.

“Yes, it matters to me. You matter to me. I just-” 

“There’s nothing you could have done,” Neil interrupted again.

“But how did I not know!” Kevin’s voice was anguished.

“Because he didn’t want you to know!” Neil shouted. “You and I were not the same - Riko kept you shielded. You were his brother, his partner. Jean and I were _property_ ,” Neil spat out the word. “If there was something he didn’t want you to know, then you were never going to know it.” He turned and started to walk away, but Kevin’s arm shot out, grabbed his bicep, spun him around. 

“You’re angry. Don’t walk away from me angry,” Kevin pleaded. 

Neil blew out a frustrated breath. “Yes, fuck, of course I am, but I’m not angry at you. I’m just…” Neil hesitated, grasping for the words to explain. He spent so much time not thinking about this, not feeling about this, and he was angry and frustrated that now he had to - and he _did_ have to, because this stupid shit from his past was getting in the way of his future, of the things that he wanted - of having Andrew. And he _wanted_ . Oh how he wanted. “I’m not angry at you,” he repeated, running a hand through his hair roughly. “I’m angry that what Riko did to me is still fucking me up, and yes, it was _just_ Riko.”

They stared at each other, and Kevin’s gaze was just so sad and soft and _fuck_ , Neil felt his anger dripping out of his fingertips. He could see Kevin’s jaw clenched tightly, see him wrestling with something, and then finally he asked, “And Jean?” 

“Mmmm,” Neil murmured. “Not just Riko,” he said. 

Kevin’s face crumpled. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

“Hey,” Neil said, touching the back of Kevin’s hand. He tangled their fingers together and tugged gently until Kevin looked up again. “We got out. Riko’s dead. We’re alive. We’re together. It’s okay.”

“But you and Andrew...” he trailed off.

“We’ll figure it out,” Neil promised. “Look Kev, now that I have this-” he tightened his fingers in Kevin’s, “I’m not letting it go - I’m not letting either of you go. And I’m not in a hurry. We will figure it out.” 

Kevin swallowed, and the corner of his mouth tried to perk up into a small smile. “Okay,” he said. 

“Okay,” Neil agreed, and he was very done with talking about this. “Race you home?” he challenged, two seconds before he launched into a sprint, smirking at Kevin’s shouted “fuck” and the sound of his boyfriend’s shoes pounding the ground behind him as he tried to catch up. 

Neil won, because of course he did, and pushing themselves hard through the last two miles cleared the cobwebs of the conversation. It had needed to be said, Neil could tell that Kevin had needed to say it, and it might not be the last of it - but for now it was okay. 

They were breathing heavy and dripping sweat when they walked into the condo to find Andrew sitting at the kitchen island, a mug of coffee clasped in both hands and his tortoise shell frames perched on his nose. Andrew’s ash blond waves were sticking up in eleventy-seven directions, and Neil thought in that moment he might be the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen. He grinned at him, wiping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his arm. 

“Gross,” Andrew intoned. 

“Yeah,” Neil agreed. 

“Why are you up?” Kevin asked. It was not quite 8am, and thus still a bit early for Andrew to crawl out of bed. 

Andrew took a sip of his coffee before setting the mug down and turning to face both of them directly. “Because the answer is yes.” 

Kevin and Neil exchanged a look. “Yes?” 

“Yes, I want to try if you want to try. To practice, as you say.” 

Neil grinned and his heart swelled a bit. “When?” he asked. 

Andrew smirked. “Eager?” 

“Yes, actually,” Neil said, seriously. 

Andrew’s eyebrows popped up to join his epic bedhead at that, and Kevin chuckled. 

“Date night tonight?” Kevin asked. 

“Okay,” Neil agreed, and Andrew nodded. “Shower?” 

“God yes,” Kevin said, shoving him in that direction. 

Tonight then, Neil thought, with a small smile.

***

Andrew was nervous - something he wouldn't admit out loud, though he was sure his boyfriends could figure it out. Certainly Kevin knew him well enough to spot it at this point. Andrew had looked at it from all angles, and even he had to admit it was a good idea, that it might even work - unconventional as it was. 

He’d called Bee, and she’d reminded him that his polyamorous relationship with two men on the ace spectrum was unique and special, and that on top of that all three of them brought separate brands of trauma to the table. It wasn’t surprising that he and Neil were having trouble, and it wasn’t surprising that it might take an unconventional tactic to navigate it. When he’d spelled out his concern about Kevin, she reminded him in her blunt way that Kevin was a grown-ass man, and that he knew better than Andrew did what his own boundaries were. 

So yeah, in theory he was willing to try. In practice - he was terrified he would cross boundaries and cause irrevocable damage to the two people he cared most about in the world. 

That night it had started with a conversation over dinner at their neighborhood Italian restaurant, because that’s how they did things. Consent and clear communication. (Well, usually that’s how they did things - they’d already sorted that they’d fucked this up a bit over the last few months.) Boundaries were revisited: Neil promised to try to pay attention to his, and Kevin promised to let them know if anything made him uncomfortable. 

After dinner and back at the condo, Andrew busied himself at the bar to steady his nerves. Neil and Kevin were already on the couch when Andrew returned with two glasses of scotch and a vodka for Kevin. Andrew was used to being in control, used to knowing what he was doing - or at least pretending he did until he figured it out. But the truth was that he’d been in a committed relationship with Kevin for seven years now, and he’d been faithful - which meant he’d been celibate for all intents and purposes. Even before Kevin, there had only been a handful of stolen moments in Juvie, and later a few rushed times in the storeroom with Roland where the power dynamic flowed one way. Andrew may pretend that he knew what he was doing, but he really didn’t. Not at all. So yeah, Andrew was nervous. 

As if reading his mind, Neil leaned back so he could eye both of them and asked, “So how do we do this?”

“What do you normally do when I’m not here?” Kevin asked casually (not casually). 

Andrew caught Neil’s eye and Neil quirked an eyebrow at him. “Um, something like this,” Neil murmured, and then scooted back, fitting his lithe body neatly between Kevin’s bent legs, his back resting against Kevin’s front, Kevin propped up against the arm of the couch. Kevin adjusted to accommodate him, and Andrew expected him to stutter, to pause, but his gaze was open, and then Neil was leaning forward, carefully grabbing Andrew’s hand. Andrew let himself be tugged forward, falling against Neil, both of them between Kevin’s long legs.

They all paused. Andrew’s face was tucked into Neil’s neck and he was frozen and hiding, and it was Kevin’s voice that called him out. “Andrew.”

Andrew forced his face up and Kevin’s green eyes were right there, calm and grounding just over Neil’s shoulder, and the breath Andrew didn’t know he was holding drained out of his lungs.

Kevin’s nimble fingers pushed Andrew’s hair back from his forehead and the softness almost killed him. Neil was still beneath him, and Kevin was here, and everything was okay. It was more than okay.

Andrew pulled back an inch, more, until he was gazing into Neil’s glacial blue eyes, until both of Neil’s hands were hovering on either side of his face. “Yes,” Andrew breathed, and then those hands landed on his face, so delicate, the grip deepening when Andrew lowered his lips to Neil’s, capturing his sigh, and they melted against each other, the firm familiarity cracking his heart open.

As he licked into Neil’s mouth - tongue sliding against tongue, his body warming, his hands on Neil’s knees as he pressed into his boyfriend’s hard body - Andrew felt Kevin’s fingers slide through his hair again. If he’d processed, if he’d thought about it, it should have startled him. Instead he felt settled, it felt right, it felt like home. If he’d processed, if he’d thought about it, things were overlapping for him, to have Kevin here, to have Neil responsive between his lips and his hands, yielding and wanting and yearning underneath him. 

Yielding and wanting and yearning beneath him in a way Kevin never would.

Andrew released Neil, pressed a hand onto his chest, holding him back from chasing after his lips. He pulled back slowly and caught Kevin’s eyes again over Neil’s shoulder, let Neil’s hands slide down his neck. “Is this okay?” Andrew choked out. He was asking Kevin, he was asking Neil, and he was also asking himself.

“It is,” Kevin said, firmly, softly, a pillar to lean on, those fingers still tangled in Andrew’s hair, and - Andrew realized - his other hand tucked behind Neil’s ear, wrapped in those auburn curls. Something in his chest shuddered loose, and it wasn’t a bad thing. 

Andrew leaned in and pressed a kiss to Neil’s cheekbone, to his jaw, ran his tongue down his neck, and he felt Neil twitch beneath him. “Where can I touch you?” Neil murmured in his ear.

“Above the waist,” Andrew answered without hesitation, and felt Neil’s strong hands slide to his shoulders, his arms. 

There was a summation, a whole that was coming to completion, pieces falling into place to have Kevin there as Andrew ran his hands up Neil’s thighs, as he sucked on Neil’s collarbone, as his fingers slid under Neil’s shirt to press into the hard muscle of his sides. Neil moaned and arched against him, his hands jerking up to card through Andrew’s hair, and as Andrew shifted up to capture Neil’s mouth again he paused, pulled back, checked in. Neil’s pupils were blown, his mouth spit slicked – _fuck, Neil_ – and Kevin was right there, hands soft on Neil’s shoulders now and his grass-green eyes intent. 

Andrew ran his thumb along Neil’s jaw, slipping his fingers behind his ear and into the sweat-damp curls tucked there. “Hey, you good?” he asked carefully. 

Neil nodded. “Yes,” he hummed, squirming a bit under Andrew. He was already hard, Andrew could feel him against his thigh. 

Kevin raised a hand to brush against Neil’s cheek. Neil hummed again, reaching his own hand up to tangle fingers with Kevin. They all sat in their breath for a minute. “This helps,” Neil finally said. He twisted around to look Kevin directly in the eye and Andrew sat back a bit more to let him move. “It helps to have you here, I feel…” Neil paused and Andrew waited, but eventually he just shrugged. “I don’t actually know, but this feels good, having you behind me like this.”

Kevin smiled down at him, then lifted his gaze and beamed at Andrew. There was nothing but pure love on his face, even as Andrew searched it for any sign of panic, for any sign of the Kevin he had kissed on the rooftop so many years ago, the Kevin he had pushed too far. Kevin didn’t break eye contact as he kissed Neil’s temple, and Andrew couldn’t stop himself from asking again, “Is this still okay for you?” 

Kevin’s smile deepened, and he nodded against Neil’s head. “Yes, it’s more than okay. I want to be here. You can ask me as many times as you need to.” Andrew’s throat closed a bit at that, and he fleetingly wondered when he had become so _known_. 

“Let’s take this to the bedroom then,” Andrew said lowly before pulling himself up from the couch and reaching a hand forward for Neil. They were linked as they walked down the hall: Neil’s hand in Andrew’s, Neil’s other hand in Kevin’s. Andrew led them to the center of the bedroom, stopped a few feet from the king-sized bed and turned to face his boyfriends. “What do you need Neil?” 

Neil grinned at him sloppily, still looking a bit dazed, but present. “Can we sit just like we were? Kevin?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Kevin responded into his hair, wrapping his arms around his waist and squeezing. 

“Okay,” Neil sighed into him, still holding Andrew’s hand, and he sounded okay, but Andrew saw the slight creasing of Neil’s brow. 

“What else do you need?” Andrew asked. 

Neil stared back at him for a moment, then closed his eyes and said, “Just...don’t hold me down. I think...that’s definitely a boundary for me,” he finished quietly, his eyes still closed. 

Andrew stilled and he clenched his jaw. He had absolutely held Neil down, held his hands above his head, pressed into the couch and the mattress as they had _tried_. He had been holding Neil down the night that he had freaked out and locked himself in the other bedroom. Because Neil hadn’t known what his boundaries were until Andrew had pushed him headfirst into them. 

Neil’s fingers squeezed around his and Andrew looked up to see that his boyfriend had opened his eyes again, that there was still heat there, that Kevin was looking at him too. “Practicing Andrew, remember?” Kevin said quietly, and his voice grounded him. 

“Yes,” he said, shaking it off, and he stepped forward to Neil, kissing him, sweeping into his mouth to stoke that heat back to fire, pressing into Neil with hands and lips until he moaned quietly into Andrew’s mouth and wobbled a bit against him. _Good._ Kevin had pulled his own arms away and was standing behind Neil and Andrew paused, took stock of all three of them, checked in with himself, listened to his own pounding heart. 

He snaked a hand under the hem of Neil’s shirt, running his fingers along his hip bones, just above the low-slung waistband of his shorts. “I am going to take your clothes off, yes?” he asked him. 

Neil didn’t hesitate. “Yes,” he breathed. 

Andrew curled his fingers in Neil’s shirt and looked over at Kevin briefly before flicking his gaze back to Neil’s face. “And then I want to blow you, yes?” Neil wobbled again at that, but his grin was back in place and his “yes” was firm. 

“Kevin?” Andrew asked. 

But Kevin was already walking over to the bed, kicking off his shoes and settling back against the headboard, eyes locked again with Andrew’s. “It’s still okay for me.” 

If Andrew was anyone else, he would have wobbled too - Neil standing before him, eyes sparkling and mouth full of mischief; Kevin there with them, steady and stable and calm and loving. Everything Andrew wanted and needed right there in this room for him, right there with words composed of _yes_. 

If Andrew was anyone else, he would have wobbled, but instead, he pulled Neil’s shirt over his head, helped him kick off his shoes, unbuttoned his shorts and pushed them and the boxers down over Neil’s hips carefully but quickly, until every bit of Neil was on display in front of him. Andrew claimed his mouth again, kissing him deeply and desperately as he walked him backwards towards the bed, his hands grasping hips and waist and ribs. 

When they hit the edge of the bed Neil sat, and gazed up at Andrew for a moment. “Your clothes?” Neil asked. 

Andrew paused, considered, then pulled his shirt over his head, keeping his armbands on. “Enough for now?” he asked. Neil nodded and slid over the bed, leaning back in between Kevin’s legs, and Kevin carefully rested his hands on Neil’s shoulders. Neil’s lean, strong body was spread out before Andrew and his face was trusting and full of want, and Andrew thought for a moment that he might just die right there. Instead he crawled onto the bed, wedging his knee between Neil’s legs, settling there. “Yes?” he asked one more time, and he was asking both of them, and they knew it. 

“Yes,” Neil sighed. 

“Yes,” Kevin smiled. 

And finally, somehow, Andrew had accumulated enough yesses, enough smiles, enough sighs, enough moans, and his hesitation melted away in the fire of Neil, in the warmth of Kevin. 

He slid his hands up Neil’s thighs as he leaned forward, looping his fingers around Neil’s wrists to bring his hands to Andrew’s shoulders, kissing him, devouring him, feeling the heat of Neil’s skin rising up to meet him everywhere he touched, feeling Neil writhe beneath his lips, his teeth. 

When Andrew finally took Neil into his mouth, Neil’s legs pressed against him and his body arched underneath him, and the moan that tore from his throat was pure pleasure - no panic, no hesitation, no holding back. 

Andrew looked up once, and Kevin’s face was still calm, his yes written across his cheekbones, across the small smile on his lips. Kevin’s hand was carded in Neil’s hair, and without thinking, Andrew slid one hand up from Neil’s hip and grasped Kevin’s other hand tightly, lacing their fingers. 

Holy shit his heart might burst. 

Holy shit his world might combust. 

Neil moaned his name then, and Andrew let his eyes flutter close as he set Neil aflame with his mouth, achingly relentless with his tongue and hand and lips until the back of Neil’s knees pressed flat against the bed, until he twitched once and an aborted attempt at a warning sounded before his orgasm overtook him - and Andrew held him, held on, swallowed him through it until he felt his boyfriend collapse bonelessly underneath him with a whispered “ _fuck_.” 

Andrew pressed a kiss to Neil’s hip, followed the flush of his skin with his lips up to his neck, pulled back to see Kevin’s hand still soft in Neil’s hair, realized that he still had Kevin’s fingers gripped tightly in his own. Neil’s head was thrown back against Kevin’s chest, and Kevin’s eyes were shining. 

“What about you?” Neil mumbled, not opening his eyes, but trailing a hand down Andrew’s bicep. Andrew kissed at Neil’s neck, considered, caught Kevin’s eyes again. 

“It’s still a yes,” Kevin said, squeezing his fingers.

Andrew’s breath shuddered against Neil’s neck, and Neil turned his head into him, mouthing at his jaw, finding his lips in a wet kiss. “Can I?” Neil whispered, and Andrew realized that Neil’s fingers had slid off of his arm, were paused on his hip, just pushing under the edge of his pants, realized that Neil _wanted_ . Realized that Kevin was still here, that everything was still okay, that the world had not crashed down around his ears and he was so achingly hard and Andrew _wanted_ too. 

“Yes,” he said gruffly, capturing Neil’s lips again and lifting his hips to let him undo the button, the zipper, felt Neil lean up against him to reach, and then _fuck_ , Neil’s hand was on him, and the heat of it was everything, and suddenly, overwhelmingly, it was Andrew’s turn to catch fire. 

After, it was chasing their breath, untangling limbs, flopping back on the bed, letting their skin cool down and their hearts come back to earth.

After, it was Kevin grinning and saying, “That was so cool!”

After, it was Andrew groaning and saying, “Oh my god.”

After, it was Neil laughing, kissing both of them, dragging them into the shower. 

After, it was the three of them curled on the couch, snug in sweats and hair damp from the shower, Andrew taking up space on one end while Neil blinked sleepily in Kevin’s arms. Andrew’s whole body buzzed in contentment and he didn’t know what to do with that, so he sat still and sipped his scotch, checked in on himself, only found darkness lingering in one corner, one edge of his mind, and he knew he needed to excise it or it would billow and fester and choke him. 

“Kevin. I need to know that was okay. I need to know what you are thinking,” he said. 

Neil shifted at that, sitting up a little, started to pull away from Kevin, but Kevin said, “No, don’t,” and after a second Neil settled again. Kevin lifted his hand towards Andrew, and Andrew scooted closer and hooked fingers with him, tucking his legs against Neil’s, and waited.

Kevin was clearly considering his words carefully, and then finally, slowly, he nodded. “Yes, it was okay. It was more than okay. It was amazing for me, how good it felt for me to be able to be there for you. For both of you. Andrew, I am actually really happy right now. I-” Kevin stopped, huffed a small laugh. “It was kinda magic.” 

Neil laughed a bit at that. “Yeah, it was,” he agreed. 

“I don’t need to be there every time, it’s not like that,” Kevin continued. “I still don’t want... _that_...for me. But I want to be there for you both, whenever you need me, whenever you want me there. It’s a yes because I want to, it is a real yes, Andrew.” 

Andrew stared at Kevin, stunned. His zombie heart was screaming words at him as he looked at his boys, his gorgeous fucking pipedreams. He leaned forward and Kevin met him halfway, and Andrew kissed him softly and carefully, pressing all the things he felt and couldn’t say into Kevin’s lips with his own. After, he grasped Neil’s chin and pulled him up for a kiss too, tucking the other half of his heart into his mouth for safekeeping.

Andrew settled back, but he didn’t retreat to the other side of the couch again. He poked at that little dark corner of his mind and it disintegrated, floated away and disappeared, at least for now, and he felt safe in the hope that when it came back - _if_ it came back - they would banish it again. The three of them. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up on tumblr @ [justadreamfox](https://justadreamfox.tumblr.com/)


End file.
